Honestly?
by Everjoy
Summary: She tried to hide it, tried to stuff it down deep, but now years later the dreams have returned to torment her. No one but Applejack knows what really happened that night. What matters to AJ is that she made a promise to Applebloom years ago, one that she plans on keeping no matter what it might cost her.
1. Chapter 1: The Promise

Darkness encompassed her. She tried to breath, but instead of air it felt as though a thousand small knives where working their way into her lungs as they were filled with the frigid water. Kicking her legs frantically, her head barely emerged through the waves, only to be greeted by howling wind, sheets of blinding rain and the thunderous roar of a raging river.

She quickly drew in a gasping breath, finding little relief as she coughed up the water that had previously occupied her lungs. She was being swept away by a torrent of water. A shrill scream escaped her, "Mom! Dad!"

There was no answer, only a small cry in the distance…the cry of her newborn baby sister! "Applebloom!" she cried out in terror. There was nothing she could do; the darkness was all she could see, the water all she could grasp. It was taking what little she had left just to keep her head barely above the surging waves. Every inch of her body was shivering from the icy water, yet she felt numb and lifeless. It was only a matter of time before she sank from the world.

"Applejack!" Her name was scarcely audible above the roar of the waves and storm. "Applejack!" She heard her name again, this time responding. "Dad! Daddy help me!" she cried as she gulped in a mouth full of water.

"AJ, hold on!" she heard her dad respond. Then, silence. A flash of lightning lit up the sky, and she saw her father's frantic face on the shore. Reaching precariously across the raging river, he scooped his daughter into his arms.

But the moment didn't last long when the screams of her mother and cry of her newborn sister could be heard coming closer to them. Her dad set her down on the shore.

"AJ, stay here. I'll be right back." Before she could respond, her dad dove into the treacherous waves. Moments later he returned with her baby sister in one leg, the other scarcely grasping the shore. "AJ, quickly take your sister, I need to go back for your mother." "But daddy," she protested. "Just do it, now!" Her dad commanded. She nodded and quickly took her sister and nestled her against her chest.

The baby shivered and whimpered as she hummed quietly to her, waiting for what seemed like eternity for her parents to return. Another flash of lightning revealed them to be mere feet from the shore. She let a small smile form on her face as she started to feel a little relief when, "NO!" She screamed as tears started to flow down her face. But it was too late.

A large tree branch had rammed right into her parents, knocking them both under the water. She waited, and waited grasping tightly to her sister.

The scene dissolved into a brilliant sunrise, one unbefitting of the events that had just taken place. Applejack looked frantically around the surreal scene, but her parents where nowhere to be seen, and she knew without a shadow of doubt that they were gone.

All that remained were her and her tiny infant sister, Applebloom. Nuzzling the sleeping baby, she whispered in the infant's ear "Don't worry Applebloom, I will take care of you. No matter what, I will always be there for you, always. Nothing and nopony will ever take me away from you…" her words faded into darkness.

Suddenly, the scene shifted and there was his face surrounded by a warm glow staring lovingly at her. His eyes…oh those eyes. She reached her hoof toward the him, if she could just…Bolting upright in bed, drenched in sweat with a remnant of a few tears still trickling down her cheeks, she gasped as if she had been holding her breath.

"Not again," she moaned. "That's the fourth night this week. AJ what is wrong with ya? You made a promise to Applebloom. A promise ur' gonna keep, no matter the cost."

* * *

**Haha! Success, I have finally figured out how to add author's notes. :3 Ok, so this is my very, and may I emphasize, very first fanfic. I'm really excited about writing this, but also a little nervous (yes, I'm totally nervouscited :P). I appreciate any feedback, just if it's negative all I ask is that you make it constructive. Meaning, if there's anything that you don't like please give some suggestions on how I can make it better ;) Just a little side note about this first chapter, yes it's short, but I didn't intend for it to be very long. It's more of an introduction, just to kind of set the stage if you will. And yes, Applejack is dreaming up until the very end of this chapter (this is sort of short version of my head cannon of what happened to Aj's parents). Anyway, I hope ya'll enjoyed it. **

**EJ**


	2. Chapter 2: Lies

AJ! AJ, are ya alright?" Applebloom panted as she pushed open her big sister's door.

"I heard ya scream, and thought somethin' might of happened." Applebloom glanced around the room worry filling her eyes as she cautiously approached Applejack's bed.

Applejack leaned over her bed to find Applebloom sitting there looking up at her with those big red and yellow eyes. "I'm alright sugarcube, it was..." Applejack trailed off.

"Another nightmare?" Applebloom filled in the missing pieces. Applejack nodded solemnly.

"Aw, AJ that's like the fourth time this week, and I've done lost count for the month." Applebloom looked up at her sister with deep concern in her eyes. "What's goin' on sis? What do you keep dreamin' about anyways?"

Applejack gulped. She couldn't tell Applebloom about her dreams, neither part of them. The whole reason she had never shared with anypony the full detail of what happened that night nearly twelve years ago, was to protect Applebloom from the pain. Besides, she had thought the dreams where over when she had stopped having them several years ago, and for them to re-emerge was just too upsetting to reveal to her little sister.

And then there was the new addition to her dream, every night her dream always ended the same way. She just couldn't understand why, or where that part was coming from deep within her subconscious mind, but she knew for certain, Applebloom was not to know any of it.

"I…uh..." she began slowly, taking a deep breath. "Really sugarcube, it's nothin'. I'll be alright, promise." AJ wasn't sure if that was really the truth, but it's all she could muster to say without flat out lying to her little sis.

"Run along now and start your morning chores. I'll be down shortly to help." AJ ruffled her sister's hair and smiled reassuringly at her. Applebloom looked at her with concern still in her eyes and what appeared to be slight suspicion, but did as her sister told.

As she reached the door to Applejack's bedroom, Applebloom turned around. "AJ, ya know you can talk to me about anything…right?"

Applejack gave her sister a weak smile. "I know Applebloom."

"Well, just remember that, alright? If ya ever need to talk…I… I just want to be there for you like you've always been there for me." Applebloom lowered her head and continued to walk out the bedroom door.

"Applebloom." AJ called to her sister. "Yeah?" Applebloom turned around expectantly. "Thanks. I love ya sugarcube." Applebloom smiled. "Love ya too sis." She then turned and walked away.

Applejack let out a sigh of relief. "Ugh! You have got to get a grip AJ. Ya can't keep hidin' this from Applebloom if you keep having dreams like this every night, then she's bound to find out about, about everythin'."

AJ groaned as she lowered herself out of her bed. Her entire body ached. It felt as if she hadn't slept in weeks, which was pretty accurate. Her head pounded, as if somepony had crawled inside her head to play bongos.

She stumbled over to her closet where she grabbed her cowgirl hat and placed it upon her head, not even bothering to fix her mane. Applejack barely made it down the stairs without falling flat on her face. Her vision was blurry, her legs weak and shaky, and everything suddenly seemed to be spinning around her.

These nightmares where starting to take a toll on her physically and mentally. It had been two months of facing the same nightmare nearly every night, and she could feel herself slipping away from reality. AJ shook her head trying to find relief, but all it did was increase her headache.

When she finally reached the kitchen table, Applejack collapsed in the chair. "I feel worse than when I tried to harvest all those apples by myself during applebuck season two years ago. But this is far worse. At least my friends could help me then, but now…no one, no one can help me." AJ moaned as she slowly lifted her head from the table.

Her Granny Smith had left pancakes and apple juice out for breakfast. She placed a pancake on her plate and filled her glass, but after one bite her stomach felt like it was going to join the circus as an acrobat. She placed a hoof over her mouth and pushed the plate away. Taking a couple of deep breaths and a sip of apple juice, her stomach finally settled down.

"Great, just great," she griped. "Now I can't even eat. I feel like I'm fallin' apart and it's all over some stupid dream that I should've let go of years ago. That I thought I did let go of years ago." Letting out a deep sigh, she then proceeded to collapse upon the table once again.

Just then Big Mac, her older brother, came in from working outside. "Good mornin' AJ. How are…whoa!" He stopped just short of the table, staring at the sickly looking mare whose head lay upon it.

Applejack didn't respond, she hadn't even noticed his entrance. "AJ, what's wrong with you?" Big Mac nudged his younger sister.

"What, huh?" Applejack slowly opened her eyes, revealing her big brother towering over her. "Oh, howdy Big Mac…I was just eating breakfast."

Big Mac looked curiously at her. "Ya look terrible," he stated matter-of-factly. "Well I uh, just didn't get much sleep last night, but I'll be alright," even she could tell now that she was lying. Big Mac moved closer and placed a hoof on his sister's shoulder.

"AJ, I'm not sure what's been going on with ya lately, but I'm starting to get concerned about your health. Plus, Applebloom's twelfth birthday is in two weeks and there's no way we can get everythin' ready in time without you. Maybe you should head back upstairs and just take it easy. Rest for a day or two and then…"

His words faded as Applejack was transported into darkness and storm. She looked down and in her hooves she held her infant sister whose cry sounded like a howling wind. "Mommy, daddy, what do I do?" She cried out if fear. The little filly in her hooves squirmed and cried louder. Applejack hugged her tighter, desperately trying to shield her from the reality that surrounded them.

Big Mac stopped talking as he heard Applejack mumbling under her breath, seemingly completely unaware of his presence. He watched his younger sister suspiciously, unsure of what to do.

AJ just stared blankly at the kitchen wall. Big Mac continued looking at her with confusion. "AJ? What are you looking at? What's wrong?" Applejack didn't respond, she continued to mumble under her breath.

The darkness began to fade from Applejack's vision. She was not quite sure of where she was, or what she was doing. Dazed, Applejack rose slowly from the table, as if in a trance, and pushed open the kitchen door that led to the outside. "Twelve years. It's already been…" She gulped back a lump that was starting to form in her throat, again she whispered "twelve years."

Unaware of herself, Applejack emerged on the front porch overlooking the farm, but she didn't see it. She comprehended nothing of her surroundings.

Applejack didn't know where she was going; she didn't even realize she had moved. But as soon as the sunlight hit her face the tears began to flow beyond her control. She quickly started into a gallop, never hearing her big brother frantically calling after her.

* * *

**This chapter took a slightly different turn in the story than I was originally intending, but I actually like this newer direction. It does not really affect my initial plot, but is going to lead into exploring something a little deeper with AJ's character. Well, thus ends the weekend, back to college work so I more than likely will not update again until the weekend. But on the bright side, my spring break is the week after this week. Whooohooo! :D **

**P.S And yes I gave Big Mac more lines than just "Eeyup and Nope." I just recently re-watched "AppleBuck Season" and Big Mac actually talked quite a bit during the opening scene. He was pretty insightful when talking to AJ, so I wanted his character to have a similar depth in the story. **

**EJ**


	3. Chapter 3: Just needs Time

"Applejack! Applejack! Aj where are ya?" Apple Bloom burst through the front door of the farmhouse. It had been hours since she had last seen Applejack, and she had nearly completed all of the farm chores by herself.

Apple Bloom pushed open the screen door that led into the kitchen and walked inside. "Applejack, are ya in here?" She hollered as she walked around the kitchen. The kitchen and dishes had been cleaned, but there was no sign of any pony else. "Where could she have gone off too?"

Apple Bloom continued toward the living room only to stop short of entering when she heard a low murmur of whispering coming from within. She peered around the doorframe revealing her Granny Smith and big brother talking in hushed tones. Apple Bloom leaned in closer trying to make out what they were saying.

Most of their conversation was unintelligible to Apple Bloom. Occasionally she would catch a few words such as "Applejack" and "concerned" and even her own name. Apple Bloom was becoming more and more curious by the second, especially upon hearing her name mentioned. "Wonder why they're talkin' about Applejack and me for?" The yellow filly whispered to herself. "If only I could make out what they were sayin'."

A light bulb appeared over her head. She ran back into the kitchen and grabbed two old soup cans, puncturing a hole in the bottom of each. She then grabbed a ball of red yarn from the knitting basket, which sat in the corner of the room. Apple Bloom cut a long piece of yarn and tied one end of the yarn into one of the cans and the other end of the yarn into the second can. "Perfect." Apple Bloom smiled to herself. She and her fellow Cutie Mark Crusader's had just learned how to make these the other day to communicate with one another even when they weren't in the same room with each other. "Now I should be able to hear 'em better."

Apple Bloom clutched her creation in one hoof and tiptoed back over to the door. Making sure to hang on to one can, she laid the second can on the floor and gently rolled it towards the two ponies that were deep in conversation, cringing as the can rattled and tingled like several small bells across the pinewood floor. The can came to a stop right behind the rocking chair her Granny Smith was sitting in. Apple Bloom let out a deep sigh a few seconds after the can stopped. "Phew, they didn't notice."

Placing the can she had kept in her hooves up to her ear, Apple Bloom listened intently hoping to catch any bit of the conversation she could. Just like it had worked at the tree house for her and her friends, Apple Bloom could make out the faint words of the two ponies speaking in hushed tones.

Curiosity had gotten the better of her today, still she felt slightly guilty for ease dropping on their conversation. Apple Bloom listened intently.

"I'm very concerned about Applejack is all." It was hard to tell, but Apple Bloom was pretty sure it was Big Mac talking.

"I know you are hun, but Applejack's a grown mare now. This might just be somethin' she's gotta sort through herself."

"Do ya think we should tell Apple Bloom about what we think is goin' on with her? It's been twelve years after all, and none of us still know everthin' that happened to them."

"I ain't so sure that tellin' Apple Bloom is gonna solve anything. It may just make matters worse right now. Let's just give Applejack some space, and when she's calmed down we can talk about it. Besides, I think Apple Bloom should hear it come from Applejack's mouth, since she was there and all."

"Granny Smith, ya really think Applejack's apparent break down is because of it bein' Apple Bloom's twelfth birthday?"

"Makes about as much since as anythin' else. After all AJ was Apple Bloom's age when, well ya know."

Big Mac nodded "Eeyup."

"Ya know what? What are they talking about? And what does it have to do with my birthday?" Apple Bloom questioned just a little too loudly. "Oops." She placed her hooves over her mouth but it was no use.

"Apple Bloom, is that you spyin' on us in there?" She heard her Granny Smith ask.

"Uh, no it's just the apples talkin'."

"Apple Bloom!"

She sighed and walked into the living room. "I'm sorry Granny Smith. I shouldn't have been spying on y'all. But I heard my name and Applejack's, and I just couldn't help myself."

Granny Smith and Big Mac looked sternly at the yellow earth pony. Apple Bloom looked away in shame. "I'm awfully sorry, really I am." Granny Smith sighed.

"What ya did wasn't right Apple Bloom. Just how much did ya hear anyways?"

"Only somthin' about it being my twelfth birthday and that's why AJ is so upset. I don't really see how my birthday could be so upsettin' to her though."

"Oh Apple Bloom, it's not really because of you hun. It's just that, something happened twelve years ago, something very sad and traumatizing to your sister only a couple of weeks after you were born. And well, your sister was your age then. She was twelve."

"What…what happened to her?" Apple Bloom was shocked by this revelation, and very upset that something happened to her sister that was so horrific she still being troubled by it so many years later.

"Honestly, we're not completely sure ourselves Apple Bloom." Her Granny Smith said sadly. "She's never wanted to talk about it, never would talk about it. But even so, this is somethin' that she needs to share with ya when she's ready. You should hear it from her, not us."

Apple Bloom nodded understandingly. "Poor AJ. So, where is she anyways?"

Big Mac and Granny Smith looked at one another, and then back at Apple Bloom.

"She ran off earlier. We're not entirely sure where she's at." Big Mac informed her.

"We gotta find her!" Apple Bloom said, panic filling her voice.

"Slow down there. Applejack just needs sometime to herself right now. If she's not back in a couple of hours, then we'll go looking for her." Said Granny Smith, trying to calm the young filly down.

"Alright, I guess." Apple Bloom Responded.

* * *

Everything was dark. There were no stars, no lights, only the looming storm clouds above her head and the hidden trees she would run into or trip over. All she could hear was the rain pounding the earth, the wind howling like an angry manticore. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she ran for her life, her infant sister wrapped in one hoof.

She had to find shelter, had to protect her sister from the beast chancing them. If she didn't find a safe place soon it would devour them both. Applejack could tell by the foul odor in the air that the creature was only feet from them.

Suddenly, she tripped on an unseen root. She clutched her sister close to her chest as they tumbled down the wet slippery hill. Leaves crunched under them, twigs snapped. They finally stopped rolling. Applejack tried to stand, but one of her hind legs would not bare her wait. She and her sister where caked in mud, leaves and other earthly attire.

The baby began to cry. "Shhhh…It's alright, you're big sis has got you." This seemed to soothe the infant some, as her crying went from a howl to a whimper.

Applejack was filled with panic. She could no longer run; she couldn't even walk. It was only a matter of time before they were trapped by the timberwolf that had been chasing them. Then she spotted it, a hole that went right under a tree. If she could just crawl to it, maybe, just maybe, they might be able to hide from the creature. Applejack covered them both in more mud and leaves, hoping to dilute their scent. Then slowly, painfully, she pulled her and her baby sister under the tree.

She could smell the breath of the timberwolf. It was very near. Then she saw it's beady piercing yellow eyes-only feet away from where she and her sister where hiding.

"Applejack? AJ is that you?"

Applejack screamed. "Get away from me!" She pushed what she assumed to be the monster that had been chasing her and her sister away. Applejack ran as far as she could before collapsing.

"Applejack, what's wrong? Are you ok?"

The creature was now towering above her and there was nothing she could do. Applejack let out another shrill scream.

"Applejack it's alright. It's just me, Spike. What are you doing out here in the Everfree forest? I saw you run in here and I came looking for you to make sure you're alright." Spike's voice was filled with deep concern.

Applejack's vision of the devilish creature slowly dissolved into the face of her friend. "Spike?" She asked puzzled. His face was surrounded in a warm glow. A stark contrast to the eternal looking darkness she had just been facing moment earlier.

"Yeah. Are you alri…"

Applejack began sobbing. "I'm sorry Spike…I just…."

Spike was shocked and confused at her outburst of tears, but he did the only thing he could think of doing. He took the orange mare in is arms, and let her cry. Desperately trying to soothe her as best he could.

* * *

**Sorry it's been so long since I've updated this story. I got distracted writing another fic, and Spring break as been very busy. So anyways, here is Ch. 3. Yep, it's uh, going a lot sadder/darker than I had originally planned, but that's what happens sometimes when you write. Stories don't always follow your original plan :3**

***My random question: Idk why but I've been curious about the cowgirl boots that AJ has worn in a couple of episodes. What exactly are they made out of because real boots a made out of well, leather. O.o I'm sure they're not leather, but still... **

**Hope y'all enjoyed,**

**EJ **


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